


Just A Moment Of Doubt

by outatime



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-29
Updated: 2012-11-29
Packaged: 2017-11-19 21:03:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outatime/pseuds/outatime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve starts to feel the first sliver of guilt as he tries to get to sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just A Moment Of Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for mentioned canon character death (Robert).
> 
> \--------------------------
> 
> Originally inspired by this prompt at the Mass Effect kink meme. 
> 
>  
> 
> _LI can be manShep, Vega, Kaidan or even Joker. OP doesn't mind._
> 
>  
> 
> _Cortez and his boyfriend have sex for the first time and it's awesome. Mindblowing. Like in the stories but better. Better than with Robert._
> 
>  
> 
> _Steve feels guilty, like he cheated on Robert not only by having sex with someone else but because he enjoyed it so much._
> 
>  
> 
> However, I never finished my original response, and it sort of ended up straying away from the prompt. 
> 
> \--------------------------
> 
> Un-betaed. Any mistakes are my own. 
> 
> Please be kind. This is my first Mass Effect fic, and the first fic I've finished in years.

The guilt didn’t kick in right away. 

It didn’t kick in when he first started flirting with James. Granted, at first the flirting had been more teasing and less serious. He hadn’t really been ready to get into another relationship, had still been too busy mourning Robert. So yeah, it had been teasing, comfortable. And besides, James made it so damn easy sometimes. 

Looking back, part of him wondered if James had done it on purpose, setting himself up for teasing just to get him to laugh.

Then the flirting had slowly slid from teasing to serious. It had been a slow process. A subtle one. Or at least as slow and subtle as anything could be while the world was basically ending. And when one of the parties involved was James Vega. Because James Vega was – generally – about as subtle as tank. But still, it had taken a while for Steve to notice it. Because even that shift was just… comfortable. And easy. And it wasn’t until a little after that night he’d had drinks with Shepard in Purgatory that he’d really noticed the look in James’s dark eyes during one of their debates, when James had admitted that maybe he could see the appeal of the Hammerhead’s… agility over the Mako’s power. The look in his eyes made it obvious; James had been talking about more than just tanks.

Still, there had been no guilt. 

Not even after Rannoch and that first kiss. Of course, it would have been difficult to feel much of anything other than elation and adrenaline. Because they had taken down a Reaper. Or well, Shepard had, with help from the Normandy and the Quarian fleet. The Quarian-Geth war was over and they had made peace with each other. And the smile James had turned on him, bright and edged with hope and adrenaline… It had been impossible to resist. And as amazing as the kiss had been on its own, it had been amplified tenfold by the pure, giddy joy that had bubbled up inside of him at the look in James’s eyes when they had broken apart.

No, the guilt hadn’t hit him until almost two weeks later, after the shitstorm that had been Thessia, as he tried to get to sleep. It was proving to be more difficult than he had expected, James’s large, warm presence pressed up against his back and heavy arm thrown over his waist managing to be unfamiliar and distracting and wonderfully comfortable all at the same time. It had snuck up on him rather suddenly, as he carefully traced one of the scars that curled gently over James’s lower arm. Up until that moment, he had actually done a fairly good job of avoiding comparing James to Robert. But he’d been sleepy, and content, and still basking a bit in the afterglow of what had been some frankly amazing sex, so the sort of muzzy thought that Robert hadn’t had any scars like that had managed to slip into his head. James, he had reminded himself, wasn’t Robert. 

That had been all it had taken for that first sliver of guilt to worm its way into his chest. And because he couldn’t help himself, it hadn’t taken very long for that sliver to morph into something more, a feeling that was almost smothering. It was like a weight pressing down on his chest, something he couldn’t ignore or get away from.

Which was where he was now.

Shit. What was he doing?

When he had married Robert, he had thought that would be it. That was what they had promised each other: no one else. And he had meant it. He wasn’t stupid though; he knew, logically, that he was allowed to move on, that Robert wouldn’t want him to spend the rest of his life mourning. Shepard had helped to convince him of that. Robert had been dead for almost a year now. But logic didn’t do anything to stop the cold press of guilt in his chest.

Because… there was a difference between finally accepting Robert’s death, and turning around and jumping into… this with James. 

Wriggling out from under the heavy comfort of James’s arm, Steve got up, pulling on his uniform pants and a t-shirt as he did, before padding barefoot to the balcony of the small apartment they were in. He leaned heavily against the railing as the door slid shut behind him, leaving him staring blankly at the ships as they sped by, lost in his own thoughts, simply trying to breathe through the blanket of guilt.

It wasn’t until he felt the warm press of a body beside his that he realized that he wasn’t alone. 

“What’s wrong?” James asked, voice rough and slightly slurred by sleep.

Steve couldn’t help the wave of fondness that swept through him then. But that fondness was quickly followed by that press of guilt, that almost nausea that settled in the pit of his stomach. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

For all that he might have teased James about being just another dumb jarhead – that was years ago, back when they had first met on Fehl Prime, back when he was still married to Robert, before the Collector attack – James was not stupid, not by any means. He was also fairly good at reading people, though reading Steve at the moment probably wasn’t that difficult. 

“Not without you. What’s going on in that head of yours, Estaban?”

It was remarkable really, how James could press into his side, considering how much bigger he was than Steve. Even more remarkable was how that simple action, combined with James voice, a low and gentle rumble, could still calm the panicky guilt swirling inside him. There was a part of him, that darker part of himself, that whispered how that was simply one more betrayal, how allowing himself to dismiss his guilt so quickly in the face of another man was just one more thing he was doing wrong, but it was so hard to listen to that part of himself when James was there. 

Steve didn’t know how to answer that question, didn’t know how to explain himself without hurting James. And hurting him was the last thing Steve wanted. 

For several minutes, they stood in silence, watching the ships together. It was noisy; James’s small apartment wasn’t exactly in the nicest part of the Citadel, but… Earlier, it had been perfect. Neither of them had wanted to spend their one night of shore leave, what would probably be their last night of leave before the end game started, in the Normandy’s crew quarters. 

Finally, James broke the silence. “It was okay, right? I mean, I didn’t… I was okay?”

The question was unexpected. James was so confident in everything he did, had certainly seemed confident enough in himself a couple of hours ago that it had never occurred to Steve that he might be feeling uncertain about any of this. “No. No, of course. You were perfect. I’m just…” Steve trailed off, not sure how to finish that sentence.

Another moment passed, and James shifted, turning his head to press his face into Steve’s neck. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, uncertain, his lips brushing softly against the Steve’s skin. “I can’t be Robert for you.”

Anyone that thought James was just another stupid marine, just some bulked-up soldier only good for killing things, was wrong. 

“I know,” Steve whispered, leaning heavily into the younger man, knowing James could – and would – support him. “And I don’t want you to be, I promise. It’s just that…” This time, James didn’t say anything, waiting instead for Steve to continue, simply curling one of his arms around the older man’s waist. “I know it’s stupid, but a part of me feels like… Like I’m betraying Robert. And I know he’s dead, and I know he would want me to move on, but… I can’t help it.”

It felt silly, now that it had been said out loud. If he knew those things, then he shouldn’t feel guilty, but… Well, no one had ever said that love made sense. 

James took a step back, studying him. What he saw, Steve didn’t know, but James nodded after a minute. “Okay. It’s okay. I can wait.” There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, but determination as well.

No, he couldn’t, Steve thought, in a moment of clear certainty. Because he had no doubt that James would wait, would give him space to work through his guilt, and would be there waiting for him when he finally did. Or at least, in a perfect world, he would. But things weren’t perfect. The galaxy was, for all intents and purposes, ending. They were getting ready for one last battle against the Reapers. Earth was burning, and unless they won this fight, so would all the rest of the worlds. James would wait. But chances were… Fate wouldn’t let him.

“No,” Steve said, looking up at the younger man. James blinked in surprise, brown eyes dark despite the lights from the Citadel. “I don’t want to wait. Not one moment for granted. That’s what Robert used to say.” He curled his fingers around the back of James’s neck, pulling him down for a gentle kiss. When they broke apart, he continued, “I can’t… promise that I’m not going to worry about it again. Because I probably will. But… I’ll get through it. I just might need you to remind me of that.”

James watched him, eyes serious. “I will. I swear.” Even as he was saying it though, a smile curled across his lips like he couldn’t help it, brightening his face and making him look every bit the six years younger that he was. And Steve couldn’t help but think that if that was the look he got from James just for promising to work through his issues, for not making him wait for a later that might never come, then all of this was worth it. No question.

He felt James curl his fingers around his wrist, tugging him back inside the apartment. Steve followed willingly.


End file.
